melancholy ...

Well.. today.. not exactly the type of day that I would have so chosen to write my first post on this wonderful blog spot.. but .. so goes life. Things do not go as planned.. they can't ever be simple.. or predictable.. and I just have to come to live with that, as hard as it may be... Right now I sit on my new comfy chair.. a pounding headache and a leaky faucet of tears running down my cheeks. Today has been one heaping pile of emotions. This whole week has been.. and I am really sorry for those of you whom know me personally and have to be subject to whatever might fly out of my mouth at various times. I work too much, I cry too much, and I love not enough. A very dear friend of mine is struggling with some of the same issues as myself and has decided to just breathe, step back and think about if the actions that may be taken at that moment in time towards the problem are actually worth it in the long run. .. and I so wish that I could do that. I so want to try and follow in her shadow.. but I feel as though I'm stuck hiding behind the brick building.. peeking out and grinning at her new found happiness, but my ankle shackled ... myself held back from actually being able to feel her joy. Men.. well.. more like boys.. whey do they insist on ruining our lives?? why must they do everything in thier power.. without knowing mind you.. to make us cry.. hurt??? How is it that I can feel so alone when I'm never farther than 5 feet from another person? I've moved away from all of my friends and family, and I'm starting to feel sorry my lovely neighbor who seems to get stuck with me and my issues because of our work and home status.. lol.. Em.. I don't mean to stick you all the time.. lately I just feel like you and I connect on a different level.. not just co-worker, or photographer friend.. or neighbor.. but more like someone who understands and can show and feel true compassion towards the other... or maybe I'm just crazy. I don't feel that I ask too much out of life.. I just want what others seem to take for granted. I want a man to love me for me. To show me every day in little ways that he does care. And I want children.. the sound of a crying baby make me bawl today.. So many people take life for granted.. I have this fear that I may not be able to have children.. and people close to me just seem to feel that they are a inconvience in life.. while I would be so happy to get knocked up.. Who knows. I guess that I'm just destined to sit here and watch everyone else throw away and abuse the simple things in life that I would live for. ..


Blessing for the day..

Emily.. my rock right now.. she is always there to lend a hand.. open an ear.. and share a pizza order.. hehehe .. ** hugs to you!!

Well. hopefully next post will be more complete.. and less sad ..